Overcoming Obstacles.

I can’t force myself to be happy anymore. All the fakeness that I make myself believe is true, is catching up to me. It’s driving me crazy. Having so many mixed emotions in my head I never know what to do or how to feel about things. I've been making myself think that I'm fine because I don’t want to be miserable and I don’t want to miss him. But I do.. And I can’t help it. I am to the point where I don’t want to do anything besides sit and mope around feeling bad. It’s like nothing else matters, when really, everything matters. I just can’t get it across in my head that I need to wake up and do what’s right, and what’s best for me at the same time. I don’t ever feeling like communicating to people, but I always force myself because that’s what keeps me going it seems. It’s just so hard being by myself and doing things on my own after I haven’t for so long. I always had his opinion there to help me make choices and to help me through things. And now I find out he’s most likely talking to another girl. I don’t see how he could move on so fast, and not even have the courage to tell me. Of course, it’s not for sure… but it’s the only thing that makes sense for him treating me the way he does and continuing to not really talk to me. It really hurts. It’s so hard for me to tell people how I really feel. I always say things that I know I should be saying, but really don’t mean them. It’s like tug-of-war. If I say something, I'm actually feeling the opposite. I don’t bother telling anyone because I guess I just don’t care. I don’t think anyone could ever understand what I'm truly feeling, because honestly I don’t either. I know I need to keep going. And keep trying. But I just need to get some things figured out. I think that will allow me to in the future. I'm already pretty sure of the outcome, but I just want to be sure. And I know I’ll just be going through the same things I've been trying to overcome. It’s just something that needs to happen for my heart to completely heal.

Bologna!

I've been finding myself in a slump lately. I never feel like doing anything. I have become very self-conscious and I always feel like the biggest person on the planet. I hate this feeling. I feel so ugly and horrible. I just wish so much that I could be someone else. Or change myself. I know that you should not be envious of others, but sometimes you just can't help it. I have lost almost all confidence in myself. I partially blame it on "this one guy" because he has made me feel so worthless & like i'm not good enough.. especially when I have done nothing, which makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I really wish I could be like one of those girls who don't care what others think and who have enough confidence in themselves to not feel down all the time. That would be one of the main things I would change about myself. I hate having to look around and see all these beautiful girls, and then there is just plain ol' boring me. But what I have come to realize is that all those girls look the same. I'd rather be my own person than look like everybody else. That I am thankful for. I used to cry about seeing pretty girls because I would get so jealous. Now it still bothers me, but I am more accepting.

But anyway..
I've been talking to quite a few guys lately which is weird for me. I've already turned down 2 of them. I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night which was cool. We had kinda sorta stayed in touch the past 4 years. He was my first boyfriend, and an amazing one at that. We have both changed a lot though. I've also been talking to some old guy friends that I havent talked to since me & "that one guy" were together.. which was about a year and a half. It feels nice to be able to talk to some of my old really good friends. But for some reason I feel partially guilty about it, because I know he would not like it, and sadly i'm still for some reason trying to be loyal to him. I know I shouldn't be, but in my heart it feels like the right thing to do. And i'm one of those people who believes in following your heart.

TRUTH.. one of the most important qualities to have. I believe that truth really shows a persons true self, henceforth.. true=truth. When one tells the truth in situations, they do good not only for the ones they are being honest with, but also for themselves. When you don't tell the truth on matters, you usually end up with guilt and anger. You feel guilty because you KNOW you lied and you KNOW it wasn't what you should have done and may then regret it. You feel angry because you are now mad at yourself for being dishonest and because you think you can't take back the lie or you will look like a booby! Well, this is false! Although, you most likely will still look like a booby, telling the truth is always the best method. Not only does it let the true facts be known, causing less drama and mishap, it also allows you to have less guilt and anger because you know you have done the right thing. Therefore, telling the truth is the best and most effective way for anything. I've had my fair share of lying and believe me, I have definately learned my lesson. It may have been worth it to me at the time, but now that I look back, I now know it was not. Things would have been a lot less complicated and troublesome for me and the people surrounding me if I would have just used the truth. Of course, I may not have been able to do as much.. I still believe that if I would have been honest, then I would have gained more trust. And trust is the key to any relationship in any way, shape, or form.



FRIENDSHIP.. Who is anyone without friends? Friends are the key to happiness. They give you companionship when you are lonely, they make you laugh when you are crying, happy when you are sad. They are always there for you. At least true friends are. For the friends I have kept over the years, I know that NOTHING could ever replace them. I like knowing that they will always be there. They help you through times of need and despair, breakups, family problems, personal issues.. you name it. They are the one's you have fun with, spend lots of time with, and makes great memories you'll never forget. Friends help you overcome the worlds problems and still allow you to be you. Whether your feeling goofy, or depressed, you know you can always be yourself around them. They will not judge you in ways overs would, and will not talk about you in ways that would hurt you. If it weren't for friends, I would not be who I am today. I can remember when I was young, I had no friends when I moved to Missouri. I was so depressed and lonely until 6th grade when people I had known for 2 years finally started talking to me. I slowly came out of my shell and became a much happier and fun loving person. It only takes 1 person to live but it takes at least 2 to live right.






UPDATES ON MY LIFE.

Well I just got back from Washington D.C. It was amazing.. I felt so alive there. And so historical. You never really think about where our country came from and who helped make it what it is today. I am so grateful for everything that past generations made possible. It made me realize that there is more out there. Compared to other places I have been, it has so much more meaning. When i was walking around downtown, so small next to the huge old and awesome buildings, I thought to myself.. "How could anyone have attempted to destroy this." It would have been so tragic. When your there, you feel so rejuvented it seems. Seeing all the memorials and monuments and all the people paying their respects. Being there made me feel very ambitious. It would be so cool to work in Washington and walk around such an amazing environment (even though its like the 2nd most aids infested city in the US i think). Besides seeing the monuments and such, we went to the smithsonian museum of air & space. It was quite amazing itself. There are so many museums located in DC its crazy. I can't wait to move close to DC. I think it will be a once in a lifetime opportunity that will make life definately worth living.

So I am really excited about coming to visit. There are so many things I need to do and people I need to see. I need to get the whole Parker thing resolved first thing. Once that is off my chest, I think I'll finally be able to have peace in my heart knowing things have ended better. Then will come the fun. I have so many thoughts running through my head all day long about him. It's crazy. Some of the thoughts are ridiculous so I'm keeping them to myself. But some good news is that if i get into the military and sign on for 6 years, then I can pick my first duty station... which is where I will be for around 4 years. I already know that I'm going to pick Whiteman Airforce Base. I'm really excited to start my life. I'm just so tired of sitting around never doing anything and just living off of people. I know thats what your supposed to do with your parents. But I don't live with parents. I went from Aunt Sharon to my brother Dirk now, and it just doesn't feel right. I feel like a moocher! And I guess I kind of am one. It's not my fault they asked me to live with them.

Money Doesn't Buy Love.

When I think back how things used to be, and I look at how things are now.. I honestly can't believe it. Nothing has turned out like I pictured it would. Everything is totally different and I would have never pictured myself where i am now. I never really had dreams as a child. I think the only dream I really had was to be with this kid that I liked in 3rd grade. Now I have so many dreams and want to do so many things, I am lost. The things I have been through in the past few years have dramatically changed my life, and changed the way I view life.

I've always wanted to live in the city and be a city girl. But now all I want is to be in the country. Where it's peaceful, private and where I now feel comfortable. I always thought that everything would fall into my hands and I would live a happy, wonderful life. But you only live once. As i now realize that, I also realize that your one life isn't very long. It could end at any given second. Thinking.. that if i were to die now, I would not die happily. I am nowhere's near where I really want to be. Even if that place is in the middle of nowhere, I would want to be in that one person's arms. That's the happiest I've ever been. I used to always want to be rich and be able to buy everything I wanted. But the one thing money can't buy is love. Now I wouldn't care if I was dirt poor and living in a shack, as long as I'd have someone there to love and to love me back. I really am a hopeless romantic. I feel as long as I have love, then everything else will be fine. I know in real life this is far from true. In order to live, you have to work for it.

My First Blog.. Yay!

Okay so i don't really have too much to say. Today is my 18th birthday so whoo for me. It's not really any change though, because I started feeling 18 months ago. Living in North Carolina is pretty nice. I don't really do much, but thats fine with me. I hope to be joining the Air Force soon. That will be one adventure and opportunity not worth missing out on. I'm really glad me&brit are becoming closer friends. I think that we have always been really good friends, just have had things happen in our lives that seperated us. We have shared so many good times it's unbelievable. I wouldn't change any of them, (except for one.. you know what i'm talking about) because they made me who I am today. Well i'm really excited about this new blogging thing, I think that it will definately help me and allow me to set my self free of my thoughts instead of holding them all in.